Sunday, October 24, 2010
Penny for my thoughts...
when people say that it just makes me never want to tell them anything… like your gonna buy my thoughts.. if i cant even get em out with words then how can i sell em to you?
im so done.. my heart hurts n my heads pounding right now. yet another night that didnt go as planned.. it wouldve been nice to have the bonfire but no.. it wouldve been nice to not gotten those texts.. but no. It wouldve been nice to forget for a night.. but no. Started off very well and fun. fresh n just good fun. i mean heres just a list of today…
woke
didnt wanna get out of bed
parents went for a ride
i watched project runway and ate a little bit of cookie dough
got sick of both n took a shower
thought about everything
made my bed
talked about my living will and my will…
deep subject
talked to family
happy birthday allen n papa
started to pick up room
got dressed
brooks picked me up
got bonfire stuff
took pix of random things
dropped me off at home to take desi’s car back
i picked him up
shaved his head
put the corsage in my fridge
he ran home to change
brant came over and we went to the park and hung out till brooks called
walked home n got the corsage to brooks
drove to the airplane field park thingy
hung out for hours talking and waiting for brooks to call
went to the school
maddie, lexi, ian and later trevis met up with us
waited for a call that never came
freaken starved
mcdonalds
went home
brooks came to pick up all the bonfire stuff
n now theyre having a bonfire n im at home
so i just want to know why after having a good day with friends i feel so heavy and tired and sad… im passed the depressed stage but im like in the wanting stage idk… its stupid and its so never gonna happen..i just want someone to take me away from it all. ill become an Au Pair or something… ill work for food n board. I just want to go away.. i cant talk to many people now and when i do talk to someone new i have to tell em everything so theyll understand where im at now and then maybe be able to suggest something. but even when they do its nothing i havent heard before.. i dont understand what im feeling and why im still feeling this way. i want to talk to someone but i dont even know what to say anymore.. i want to know this is normal or what this is.. i want to get away and just be new or different or not even change but just feel different then.
its become a lot of wanting yet not a whole lot of getting.. i need to just get glenda to file down my nails n paint em with real nail polish so that cuts out that expense… its pointless now. i ont have money and its a luxury.
i wonder if i can sell a lot of my stuff.. maybe not. i just need a job. how do i get back into babysitting… why cant i talk to my dad. will he listen> i mean really listen it always seems like he just sits there.. im afraid what he thinks about me. whats so wrong with me living.. i am eighteen. not saying it in the sense of THATS OLD. just saying it in the sense of typically thats when the kid is let go. I grow up and try to fly without being stapped down or popped on with training wheels just in case i fail. or maybe im just that fucked up. or do you not trust the way you raised me.., its said that if you hold that chil down for so long then theyll burst one day and do something so unbelievably wreckless they dont come back from it. i know you say that you gave me a lot of leeway but its kinda like im still sufforcating.. do you think that i always screw up my chances when im able to do things..
i just want to go swimming and forget it all… just hold my breath n watch my hair dance around me and play with my bracelets underwater.. the best thing to do when no ones around n u have a pool to yourself is to finally scream and let it all out.. no one can hear you and if they do its muffled n u come back up n ur like what?? i didnt hear anything… thats what i want to do right now. Scream. i feel like just crying n blowing up
i dont ever want to get out of bed anymoree.. whats the point when life is full of drama n confusing emotions that i cant express correctly anymore. i never kinow what to say anymore. i dont want to interact with people anymore i feel so done. whats another word for done.. seriously.. maybe somethign will get the point accross.. that I am DONE…
completed
concluded
depleted
drained
effected
executed
exhausted
over
realized
terminated
through
used up
so penny for my thoughts? i think ill sell em for a dollar.. cus if you can get me talking its worth so much more…
whats it mean when i can finish my scrapbook… whats it mean when i want to go away… whats it mean when i feel so strongly towards something… is there a word for everything… is there a feeling for everything… does everyone have to label everything as something… if its nothing does it scare you… are you scared by the unknowns like i am?… do you want to be rich… if so what would you do with your money…i want to take photographs of life…i like candid so much becasue its that moment right then i want to capture not the oh let me look pretty moment when nothings happening…i dont delete photos even when i looik beyond silly because then your deleting moments in time… youll never get those back once you delete it… can this be deleted, yes, do i want it to be, no… Why dont you just delete me from the equation
am i everything y ou ever wanted.. am i good daughter.. do i make good decisions… how do you know if theyre good decisions… i dont feel like ill be around till im old…i dont want children right now… just the thought of someone actually loving me enough to want to make something live inside me scares me.. then the thought of waking up to that person and having to believe them when they say i love you. why would you ever love again… im sure your hearts been broken like mine has.. is that loss of innocence? how do i regainit? when i see children i want to cry because i was like them once and everything then hit warp speed and it was from me not being able to be strong enough to ever do the monkey bars to me not being strong enough to handle heart break. Its really all about being strong and knowing when to let people in.
the day i accept a person enough then ill ask for them to Tell me you love me tell me im beautiful and tell me youll never leave me. tell me im not crazy and tell me the world is just a resting place… tell me life isnt about creating more life and dying after… i dont believe in something after. i think people are always looking for soemthing to believe in even if they have to make up that something to believe in. maybe its good to believe in something.. maybe i should belive in a god or some greater power..maybe itd be worth my time…whats that mean anyways… ” worth my time” its such a concieted phrase. like im too good for anythgin and everything. oh gawd you just wasted my time… ive got roughly about 80 years left in my life and im worried about you wasting a minute of my time…
i dont think i got my main point accross but im sick of rambling on and really how many people are actually going to read this…
maybe i should just join the military…
im so done.. my heart hurts n my heads pounding right now. yet another night that didnt go as planned.. it wouldve been nice to have the bonfire but no.. it wouldve been nice to not gotten those texts.. but no. It wouldve been nice to forget for a night.. but no. Started off very well and fun. fresh n just good fun. i mean heres just a list of today…
woke
didnt wanna get out of bed
parents went for a ride
i watched project runway and ate a little bit of cookie dough
got sick of both n took a shower
thought about everything
made my bed
talked about my living will and my will…
deep subject
talked to family
happy birthday allen n papa
started to pick up room
got dressed
brooks picked me up
got bonfire stuff
took pix of random things
dropped me off at home to take desi’s car back
i picked him up
shaved his head
put the corsage in my fridge
he ran home to change
brant came over and we went to the park and hung out till brooks called
walked home n got the corsage to brooks
drove to the airplane field park thingy
hung out for hours talking and waiting for brooks to call
went to the school
maddie, lexi, ian and later trevis met up with us
waited for a call that never came
freaken starved
mcdonalds
went home
brooks came to pick up all the bonfire stuff
n now theyre having a bonfire n im at home
so i just want to know why after having a good day with friends i feel so heavy and tired and sad… im passed the depressed stage but im like in the wanting stage idk… its stupid and its so never gonna happen..i just want someone to take me away from it all. ill become an Au Pair or something… ill work for food n board. I just want to go away.. i cant talk to many people now and when i do talk to someone new i have to tell em everything so theyll understand where im at now and then maybe be able to suggest something. but even when they do its nothing i havent heard before.. i dont understand what im feeling and why im still feeling this way. i want to talk to someone but i dont even know what to say anymore.. i want to know this is normal or what this is.. i want to get away and just be new or different or not even change but just feel different then.
its become a lot of wanting yet not a whole lot of getting.. i need to just get glenda to file down my nails n paint em with real nail polish so that cuts out that expense… its pointless now. i ont have money and its a luxury.
i wonder if i can sell a lot of my stuff.. maybe not. i just need a job. how do i get back into babysitting… why cant i talk to my dad. will he listen> i mean really listen it always seems like he just sits there.. im afraid what he thinks about me. whats so wrong with me living.. i am eighteen. not saying it in the sense of THATS OLD. just saying it in the sense of typically thats when the kid is let go. I grow up and try to fly without being stapped down or popped on with training wheels just in case i fail. or maybe im just that fucked up. or do you not trust the way you raised me.., its said that if you hold that chil down for so long then theyll burst one day and do something so unbelievably wreckless they dont come back from it. i know you say that you gave me a lot of leeway but its kinda like im still sufforcating.. do you think that i always screw up my chances when im able to do things..
i just want to go swimming and forget it all… just hold my breath n watch my hair dance around me and play with my bracelets underwater.. the best thing to do when no ones around n u have a pool to yourself is to finally scream and let it all out.. no one can hear you and if they do its muffled n u come back up n ur like what?? i didnt hear anything… thats what i want to do right now. Scream. i feel like just crying n blowing up
i dont ever want to get out of bed anymoree.. whats the point when life is full of drama n confusing emotions that i cant express correctly anymore. i never kinow what to say anymore. i dont want to interact with people anymore i feel so done. whats another word for done.. seriously.. maybe somethign will get the point accross.. that I am DONE…
completed
concluded
depleted
drained
effected
executed
exhausted
over
realized
terminated
through
used up
so penny for my thoughts? i think ill sell em for a dollar.. cus if you can get me talking its worth so much more…
whats it mean when i can finish my scrapbook… whats it mean when i want to go away… whats it mean when i feel so strongly towards something… is there a word for everything… is there a feeling for everything… does everyone have to label everything as something… if its nothing does it scare you… are you scared by the unknowns like i am?… do you want to be rich… if so what would you do with your money…i want to take photographs of life…i like candid so much becasue its that moment right then i want to capture not the oh let me look pretty moment when nothings happening…i dont delete photos even when i looik beyond silly because then your deleting moments in time… youll never get those back once you delete it… can this be deleted, yes, do i want it to be, no… Why dont you just delete me from the equation
am i everything y ou ever wanted.. am i good daughter.. do i make good decisions… how do you know if theyre good decisions… i dont feel like ill be around till im old…i dont want children right now… just the thought of someone actually loving me enough to want to make something live inside me scares me.. then the thought of waking up to that person and having to believe them when they say i love you. why would you ever love again… im sure your hearts been broken like mine has.. is that loss of innocence? how do i regainit? when i see children i want to cry because i was like them once and everything then hit warp speed and it was from me not being able to be strong enough to ever do the monkey bars to me not being strong enough to handle heart break. Its really all about being strong and knowing when to let people in.
the day i accept a person enough then ill ask for them to Tell me you love me tell me im beautiful and tell me youll never leave me. tell me im not crazy and tell me the world is just a resting place… tell me life isnt about creating more life and dying after… i dont believe in something after. i think people are always looking for soemthing to believe in even if they have to make up that something to believe in. maybe its good to believe in something.. maybe i should belive in a god or some greater power..maybe itd be worth my time…whats that mean anyways… ” worth my time” its such a concieted phrase. like im too good for anythgin and everything. oh gawd you just wasted my time… ive got roughly about 80 years left in my life and im worried about you wasting a minute of my time…
i dont think i got my main point accross but im sick of rambling on and really how many people are actually going to read this…
maybe i should just join the military…
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