kay so i just wanted to make sure people know that with all events happened and done. im not upset at anypart or holding any memories hostage for silly grudges. When i wwrote my previous post, it was me not venting but getting my love down in writing because I never could have a clear answer when someone, mom or a friend, would ask me “Why do you Love him” and it still may not be clear but it made me happy to go through all the times beggining to end and how beautiful our love is and was and how even though it got tainted throughout time making it an unattainable love, it was still beautiful and well worth it.

when i wrote the paragraph on my mom and the event, i wa just stating a fact there and going on to say how i am growing up and i was thinking about myself in reality when writing this. and thinking how i realy am growing up and it was a self realization more than it was HEY MOM LISTEN UP. no that would be silly to post online in the first place without talking to you first. I wrote everything from my heart last night and it kind of opened me up and set me up for the next chapter in my life as well as closing the one chapter that had and still will always mean a lot to me.

I learned a lot in that relationship. ABout love, men, relationships, friends and balancing it all and how everythign can work and how it cant. I learned a lot about myself during this time and it was almost 6 months of my life. which in reality compared to the 84 more years in my life its a really small part of it. But i think ill remember most of it thruought the times because he was my frist love and first major fight with a boy in my family.

I love you mom and dad and thank youfor going throught this ridiculous time with me and Im not sorry for choosing chris. even if it didnt work . I am very happy i choose chris ultimately because i never would have known what could be and if it would have worked or not. I never would have gotten the full experience i have. Im sorry that i hurt you by choosing him. And im sorry the little fights we all got into because of that decision. Im sorry for bringing tension in the house. And im sorry dad, that you couldnt accept it.

I dont know when you guys will ever see me as an adult. But obviously its not right now because to you i made a possibly stupid and careless decision. But i made a decision on Love and soemthing to help me grow. yes I cried a lot and yes there weret times i thought i could never breathe again. But thats because i felt something bigger than emotions ive felt before! and thats amazing! Id rather feel than not feel at all. i truly would. and obviously did, not only did i feel that feeling of depression and heart break i felt the strong feelings of love and i never thought in a million years i would have felt that at this young age i thought for sure in college but never in highschool. but i did, and im so grateful for it!

I love you all.