ill always love you

why does love have to be so complicated.. or is it really? am i just making it complicated. is my mind and heart completely clashing and confusing me even more. probably... i hate that..

most of all is the regret i feel in being so bad at one activity. im glad it happened and im very glad with who.. but i just cant stop agonizing about how crappy i was! i see movies everyday, i mean common lifetime is my life, and theyre goood at it! WTH is wrong with me.. i wonder.. was i realy in love. what is love? is love what makes a girl turn her back on her family for a guy who loves her back/ yes we had a rough start but mom... im growing up. i do things now that i didnt before. because i have a body and it feels right. im sorry it was a shock for you but that whole event was blown out of proportion.. you grew up at a time as well. granted it was embarrassing as hell for both of us and a shock to you. but face it there are a ton of a lot worse things you couldve caught me doing... not saying ive done nearly half of that insanely large list of could be's.. probably not even 5 of those ive done haha.. I really am growing up at the right speed. I may talk to older people and may come off older to them and sometimes even to myself but im not stupid and im not gonna go out and do stupid things like get pissed faced drunk and go out do drugs cus i can and screw the man. you raised me better than that.. that whole event could have been handled in a calmer fashion where i explained myself and my strong feelings. it wasnt some big creepy scene u walked in on haha it was actually quite simple.

there were so many sweet times and now that i have had time to think about them all. i seriously shed a tear.. and i believe truly in my heart and soul i love him. I remember the day we first kissed... i was crying and he was working on his car wearing a black tank top. if he was sweating i couldnt tell because he looked amazing and he was warm and caring and he lifted my head and we kissed. it was great and we hugged and he kissed me and i kissed him back. I remember the first time holding hands at school.. which seems so silly now because its just highschool. At the time it felt like a world to me... and i remember all my friends asking me if we were together and theyd ask him? and id laugh because just thinking about him reminded me how happy i was when with him. and id reply yes with a big smile. I remember talking about him to my best friend and confiding in the way i felt and it could possibly be that feeling i thought id never feel, especially in high school.. and ME of all people really... but yes it was me. I remember meeting his family and how welcome i felt right away and i ordered those spicy chicken fingers n they were REALLY spicy but i wanted to try it cus Jeff(his step dad) liked spicy things. And chris got the same.. haha we both didnt care for spicy that much... i shouldve stayed safe but i couldnt help it! OH gosh and all the family stories your mom had told me! my favorite was when you were standing out side the window with the neighbors cat saying in a real southern accent "Mama, Mama get the crate!" gawd i laughed soo hard at that one! i remember how i pushed you to ask me to stupid prom and finally you did by writing on my car! :) i thought it was perfect and classic! I remember sitting in your car or my car before we had to go to school talking or listening to music or joking! or you sleeping on my shoulder ahaha i loved looking into your eyes in the morning.,. i loved those brown eyes! like little puppy dog eyes.. I remember driving with you and the first time you took me out in your car and my dad had told me "if he races ill kill him" aahahaha i loved how you had never gone to midnight mayhem till i took you. I remember how when i was with nate you took me to the chevy carshow where Mr.Mattie was racing and i got to sit in his car and you took pictures of me! you were the best friend at that time and gawd we both wanted so much more but you and i would never think of cheating and it was out of the question. I remember way before we got together and before nate you made me pancakes before i ran :) and i had thought it was a friendly gesture and at first i was like maybe he likes me back but then nothing happened and i was like well maybe we are just friends then.. haha and thats why i decided to date nate.. I love how for two years we would talk at trentons table and banter and flirt and you supposedly were having my kids cus you bought me ice cream! and you two were soo immature and i loved sitting with you guys most out of all the rounds i had to make during lunch sitting with you was the one that made my day great! and seeing you with cherise during those times just made me sad cus you didnt look happy.. n id always wonder how itd be to have u kissing me in the hallways and walking me to my classes instead of her. I never had dreamed we would be! and when you told me that you liked me the day we met. that made me insanely happy! it still does... i loved all the times we had together! and showing the world that were together! and i loved you so much it didnt matter what my parents thought because what we had was wonderful! and undescribable! im still struggling to find the words... nothing but love comes up..

the first time we broke up was the worst... i cried n cried n cried..it was on graduation and the day after my 18th birthday.. i dont know if you had ever put those together... but it was after the two biggest days of my life.. i couldnt even celebrate think or breathe.. i just remember coming home and stuart looking at me and instantly knowing. he walked over to me and i just sat there and we talked about graduation and then i stopped and starred at the ground and said chris n i broke up.. and i cried so much and he held me and i just remember crying in my room that whole night..

the second time hurt just as bad i couldn't breathe and it all felt like a blur... and i didnt know if i made a mistake or if this was final or what! i was so lost and i couldnt even work.. i had to takke a mental day and i even made myself physically sick over it... thats when i started getting massages...

the third time hurt but we got back together quickly.. so the hurt didnt last long

and the final time... it feels right. its so hard to say but i needed to know if it would work. and it didnt i lvoe you so much and you taught me so much about myself and about different things i wouldnt know if i hadnt met you and fallen in love with you

youll always carry a piece of my heart and i remember and cherish all the great times just as much as the bad which i wont go into now because i already dwelled on it all and i love you so much the good with the bad and im so glad to have this experience and i wish you all the happiness in the world and i always hope to be apart of your life...