Countdown to See my bestie once again...

Day 16

"Draw a family on your toes!

...the pinkytoe can be a Midget!(and you should totally put up a pic of this :) )"

Day 15
"Pick your nose...you know you've secretly always wanted to!
...did you do it? haha YOU DID? wow thats gross your sick!"

•  NO LANA I DIDNT DO IT YOU DORK!!! LMAO

Day 14
"Enjoy life cause one day you might see a double rainbow"

• AWWW  i forgot to tell you at football we saw a double full rainbow like this!!! LMAO but i didnt have a freak out like this:

Day 13
"If no ones home blast your music and sing. yea blast that shit.
Song Suggestion:
Fuck you by Cee Low(i think thats what its called if it doesnt work text me!)"

• ♥ Rocking out in my room... well since mom was home all day and i went to Stoney's can we classify that as me rocking out? And the Car ride over to Stoney's I was rockin out! ♥

Day 12
"i laughed cause it was funny *Dorky Grin Smiley* :D"

Day 11
"Chew a bunch of gum then take a pic blowing a giant bubble"
**** IN PROCESS OF UPLOADING PIC!! STANDBY****
Day 10
"You know you want to have my babies"

Little Larbibuttbugs

• OH LANE YOU CAUGHT ME! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT! bahahaha Oh and you know our babies would look amazing so just give it dammit! btw i thought this would be hilarious!!!! i found a free site that would make our babies :P ...i seriously think it looks more like u and kyle which pisses me off lmao!

Day 09
"Let make a toast"

Day 08

"Do you like pina colladas?(sp) Getting caught in the rain? Making love at Midnight?-we all know the answer to that!"

• yes,yes,yes and HOW DID YOU KNOW I LIKED ALL THREE OF THESE THINGS!

i liked...

i liked the way you smiled at me.. i liked the way you would hold me from behind. it would make me feel safe and that you completely loved me and would never let me go. i liked the way we kissed in the rain and it never felt like it was cold for one minute when in reality it was freezing out. i liked the way you brushed my insanely long hair out of my face so you can just look at me. i liked the way you kissed my forehead when i was sad. i liked the way you held me and jumped in front of the swing when you knew it scared the cracker jacks out of me! i liked the way your hair would grow out really long n ud cut it and id complain but in reality my favorite thing was knowing how many days we had left until youd get another hair cut. i liked when you called my name... i liked that if i got embarrassed youd grab me and id know i was silly for even being embarrassed. i liked that you would know exactly what i was thinking and that sometimes wed say the same things. i liked that you let the world disappear n it would only be... me and you. i like that you understand my ridiculous rambles and that you listen to everything when i rant! and then you say "Well thats life sugah" i like that youd let me go back to him even when you knew id only be hurt over and over again. You wouldnt tell me hes no good for you you let me find out for myself. i like that everytime i got hurt and came back to you you were no matter what still there. i like that i can see it perfectly now. i like that answer you had when he made me ask if there could ever be an us... you said yes. I wanted to cry and say screw him and just run to you and say fuck the world... but i didnt because my stupid heart thought there would be change. I didnt realize it then... that all i wanted was to love you and be with you... i think all along i would go and purposley get hurt by him just so i can come back to you is a strong possible scenerio... i know thats a damn lie. but id like to think it wasnt. Id like to think that i knew i loved you all along.. but i know i didnt know then. i knew you were my best friend and you got me and you were still hurt over 'J' and i didnt want you to hurt anymore. i wouldve taken anything to take away that pain from you.. to take away the nightmares and to take away everything that had hurt you with her... you dont deserve that. you may say bullshit like "im a liar and im a theif and im this n that" its all lies you stupid adorible liar... Beacause your actually quite amazing. ilike that you can talk for hours about something to do with the brain and humans. ilike that i can sit for hours and never be bored. i like that everytime we talk or are together i learn something i like that everytime i see you my eyes light up n you can see it. haha i like that when i get awkward you just look at me and are kinda like your a dork and ridiculous! i like that we can laugh together and i love that you loved me back....

but now i dont think there will be anything... cus i may have ran to him one last time to where you wont be there in the morning... we cant talk as we did. and not only did i loose my bestfriend.. i lost my love... you saw things i couldnt and you would help me understand... you made me a better person and helped me thru the times when i couldnt breathe and wanted to literally kill my self... im embarrassed to say that. but you ... well i cant actually say it in real life but on this i will ...

I. L O V E. Y O U. B. B.

ranting

its kinda funny.. how others can fall easily.. but i feel like im back to where i was before i was with him... Hard to fall back. I honestly never fell for them just felt like hey this might be cool or this might work. but they always seemed to fall so damn hard, sometimes all the way. and i feel bad. i dont mean to be the one whos always hurting someone i just cant help it... how come ive dated so many wonderful guys that i fall for that not as wonderful one..haha i find that kinda funny too. I dont understand how that works. I dont understand a lot of things.. but i do know this song makes it all better.



And after hearing it i feel just a little bit better. and it helps. Because i sure as hell dont know everything but im willing to learn.. i dont really feel like ill ever know enough but i do know that i can try. i know that if i dont try ill feel shitty and unacomplished. i know i wont make it far if i dont go to college.. yet i dont want to at the same time. i know the path i have to follow and i know that i may never as well as i may find true love.. but is there really a true love? i mean common no matter what it seems to me that theres still gonna be lies in there.. so nothing really is true. i mean people do it everyday...

1: "HEY hows it going? good to see you"
*in head: shit i hate this person
2: "OH GREAT TO SEE YOU TOOO!! everythings going good, how about you?"
*in head: gawd this guy was such a jerk

Its the same thing all the time. Honestly give it a rest.. If you dont like em dont be fake bout it! i understand keeping the peace n everything but then later on when we leave that person n ur like what a jerk... WOAH 360?! you were all chummy with em! Shit.

OH AND FUCKING J! LEAVE ME THE F ALONE!!!

wow

so i just reread the posts about how much i loved him and how much he meant to me.. and there was a post where i wrote about us being finally over... IM crying so much right now its uncontrolable...

i wish it had ended off with that last one.. where i was happy and felt right bout us endig it... it just happened again and again and we tried multiple times after that... And it hurt everytime.. it felt like you ripped out my heart n sewed it back in over and over and over again.. Everything was a lie....

"That your a lie. The whole relationship was a lie. Everything you had told me that I said to myself never could be a lie..was. I dont doubt you thought you loved me but I doubt your intentions in our relationship. And you have issues if you think you can lie to somone so much and use them because you knew damn well you were her first love and she would do anything for you. You didnt like that I cared about everyone yet you said you LOVED everything about me.. that was a lie if you loved everything about me then you wouldve most def loved that first because thats who i am! I CARE ABOUT PEOPLE!. but you prob didnt want me to because then id listen to the things they were telling me and believe them one day. I found out almost everything you have told me was a total lie. And B completely confirmed it and sent me over the edge. He also reminded me that I am not that stupid and shouldnt have been in a situation like that and he cant believe i let myself. I cant believe I let myself either. But I def can confirm for any non believers out there that…

Love Makes You Do Stupid Things…

I could be the typical heartbroken chick in the end and list off my “maybes” (i.e. Maybe if I had done this.. Myabe if he had..) but honestly where would that lead me? Into regrets. and I dont want to regret this. Im happy I fell in love with the facade of the person who con’ed me. Im happy that I learned so much in the process. I am happy to say that Nothing like this will ever happen again. And because of this I have grown a little bit more. I am ready for a mature relationship and was silly to think that could have been. :P But bring it on and Im glad tohave had that experience and If theres anything else he lied to me about please tell me it only helps :)"

I HATE READING THAT AND THEN GOING TO THIS... i never thought in a million years youd become a facade and id become the silly girl who blindly trusted everything... i cant believe anyone who tells me they love me anymore.. i had trouble believe you had even loved me when you told me that to begin with and now what am i supossed to do! Everything feels like someone using me... and in reality it is kinda like that.. everyone uses everyone for soemthing.. i try not to do to that cus i disagree with it... but i just burst into tears knowing that its human error and nature and bound to happen. like i cant stop everything and i know that but i cant STAND being used and knowing that it will happen again but i hope to gawd i will never be conned again! i dont care if you get annoyed with me constantly asking why you love me or why anythign because i need to know the truth.....

Penny for my thoughts...

when people say that it just makes me never want to tell them anything… like your gonna buy my thoughts.. if i cant even get em out with words then how can i sell em to you?

im so done.. my heart hurts n my heads pounding right now. yet another night that didnt go as planned.. it wouldve been nice to have the bonfire but no.. it wouldve been nice to not gotten those texts.. but no. It wouldve been nice to forget for a night.. but no. Started off very well and fun. fresh n just good fun. i mean heres just a list of today…

woke
didnt wanna get out of bed
parents went for a ride
i watched project runway and ate a little bit of cookie dough
got sick of both n took a shower
thought about everything
made my bed
talked about my living will and my will…
deep subject
talked to family
happy birthday allen n papa
started to pick up room
got dressed
brooks picked me up
got bonfire stuff
took pix of random things
dropped me off at home to take desi’s car back
i picked him up
shaved his head
put the corsage in my fridge
he ran home to change
brant came over and we went to the park and hung out till brooks called
walked home n got the corsage to brooks
drove to the airplane field park thingy
hung out for hours talking and waiting for brooks to call
went to the school
maddie, lexi, ian and later trevis met up with us
waited for a call that never came
freaken starved
mcdonalds
went home
brooks came to pick up all the bonfire stuff
n now theyre having a bonfire n im at home
so i just want to know why after having a good day with friends i feel so heavy and tired and sad… im passed the depressed stage but im like in the wanting stage idk… its stupid and its so never gonna happen..i just want someone to take me away from it all. ill become an Au Pair or something… ill work for food n board. I just want to go away.. i cant talk to many people now and when i do talk to someone new i have to tell em everything so theyll understand where im at now and then maybe be able to suggest something. but even when they do its nothing i havent heard before.. i dont understand what im feeling and why im still feeling this way. i want to talk to someone but i dont even know what to say anymore.. i want to know this is normal or what this is.. i want to get away and just be new or different or not even change but just feel different then.

its become a lot of wanting yet not a whole lot of getting.. i need to just get glenda to file down my nails n paint em with real nail polish so that cuts out that expense… its pointless now. i ont have money and its a luxury.

i wonder if i can sell a lot of my stuff.. maybe not. i just need a job. how do i get back into babysitting… why cant i talk to my dad. will he listen> i mean really listen it always seems like he just sits there.. im afraid what he thinks about me. whats so wrong with me living.. i am eighteen. not saying it in the sense of THATS OLD. just saying it in the sense of typically thats when the kid is let go. I grow up and try to fly without being stapped down or popped on with training wheels just in case i fail. or maybe im just that fucked up. or do you not trust the way you raised me.., its said that if you hold that chil down for so long then theyll burst one day and do something so unbelievably wreckless they dont come back from it. i know you say that you gave me a lot of leeway but its kinda like im still sufforcating.. do you think that i always screw up my chances when im able to do things..

i just want to go swimming and forget it all… just hold my breath n watch my hair dance around me and play with my bracelets underwater.. the best thing to do when no ones around n u have a pool to yourself is to finally scream and let it all out.. no one can hear you and if they do its muffled n u come back up n ur like what?? i didnt hear anything… thats what i want to do right now. Scream. i feel like just crying n blowing up

i dont ever want to get out of bed anymoree.. whats the point when life is full of drama n confusing emotions that i cant express correctly anymore. i never kinow what to say anymore. i dont want to interact with people anymore i feel so done. whats another word for done.. seriously.. maybe somethign will get the point accross.. that I am DONE…

completed
concluded
depleted
drained
effected
executed
exhausted
over
realized
terminated
through
used up
so penny for my thoughts? i think ill sell em for a dollar.. cus if you can get me talking its worth so much more…

whats it mean when i can finish my scrapbook… whats it mean when i want to go away… whats it mean when i feel so strongly towards something… is there a word for everything… is there a feeling for everything… does everyone have to label everything as something… if its nothing does it scare you… are you scared by the unknowns like i am?… do you want to be rich… if so what would you do with your money…i want to take photographs of life…i like candid so much becasue its that moment right then i want to capture not the oh let me look pretty moment when nothings happening…i dont delete photos even when i looik beyond silly because then your deleting moments in time… youll never get those back once you delete it… can this be deleted, yes, do i want it to be, no… Why dont you just delete me from the equation

am i everything y ou ever wanted.. am i good daughter.. do i make good decisions… how do you know if theyre good decisions… i dont feel like ill be around till im old…i dont want children right now… just the thought of someone actually loving me enough to want to make something live inside me scares me.. then the thought of waking up to that person and having to believe them when they say i love you. why would you ever love again… im sure your hearts been broken like mine has.. is that loss of innocence? how do i regainit? when i see children i want to cry because i was like them once and everything then hit warp speed and it was from me not being able to be strong enough to ever do the monkey bars to me not being strong enough to handle heart break. Its really all about being strong and knowing when to let people in.

the day i accept a person enough then ill ask for them to Tell me you love me tell me im beautiful and tell me youll never leave me. tell me im not crazy and tell me the world is just a resting place… tell me life isnt about creating more life and dying after… i dont believe in something after. i think people are always looking for soemthing to believe in even if they have to make up that something to believe in. maybe its good to believe in something.. maybe i should belive in a god or some greater power..maybe itd be worth my time…whats that mean anyways… ” worth my time” its such a concieted phrase. like im too good for anythgin and everything. oh gawd you just wasted my time… ive got roughly about 80 years left in my life and im worried about you wasting a minute of my time…

i dont think i got my main point accross but im sick of rambling on and really how many people are actually going to read this…

maybe i should just join the military…

kay so i just wanted to make sure people know that with all events happened and done. im not upset at anypart or holding any memories hostage for silly grudges. When i wwrote my previous post, it was me not venting but getting my love down in writing because I never could have a clear answer when someone, mom or a friend, would ask me “Why do you Love him” and it still may not be clear but it made me happy to go through all the times beggining to end and how beautiful our love is and was and how even though it got tainted throughout time making it an unattainable love, it was still beautiful and well worth it.

when i wrote the paragraph on my mom and the event, i wa just stating a fact there and going on to say how i am growing up and i was thinking about myself in reality when writing this. and thinking how i realy am growing up and it was a self realization more than it was HEY MOM LISTEN UP. no that would be silly to post online in the first place without talking to you first. I wrote everything from my heart last night and it kind of opened me up and set me up for the next chapter in my life as well as closing the one chapter that had and still will always mean a lot to me.

I learned a lot in that relationship. ABout love, men, relationships, friends and balancing it all and how everythign can work and how it cant. I learned a lot about myself during this time and it was almost 6 months of my life. which in reality compared to the 84 more years in my life its a really small part of it. But i think ill remember most of it thruought the times because he was my frist love and first major fight with a boy in my family.

I love you mom and dad and thank youfor going throught this ridiculous time with me and Im not sorry for choosing chris. even if it didnt work . I am very happy i choose chris ultimately because i never would have known what could be and if it would have worked or not. I never would have gotten the full experience i have. Im sorry that i hurt you by choosing him. And im sorry the little fights we all got into because of that decision. Im sorry for bringing tension in the house. And im sorry dad, that you couldnt accept it.

I dont know when you guys will ever see me as an adult. But obviously its not right now because to you i made a possibly stupid and careless decision. But i made a decision on Love and soemthing to help me grow. yes I cried a lot and yes there weret times i thought i could never breathe again. But thats because i felt something bigger than emotions ive felt before! and thats amazing! Id rather feel than not feel at all. i truly would. and obviously did, not only did i feel that feeling of depression and heart break i felt the strong feelings of love and i never thought in a million years i would have felt that at this young age i thought for sure in college but never in highschool. but i did, and im so grateful for it!

I love you all.

ill always love you

why does love have to be so complicated.. or is it really? am i just making it complicated. is my mind and heart completely clashing and confusing me even more. probably... i hate that..

most of all is the regret i feel in being so bad at one activity. im glad it happened and im very glad with who.. but i just cant stop agonizing about how crappy i was! i see movies everyday, i mean common lifetime is my life, and theyre goood at it! WTH is wrong with me.. i wonder.. was i realy in love. what is love? is love what makes a girl turn her back on her family for a guy who loves her back/ yes we had a rough start but mom... im growing up. i do things now that i didnt before. because i have a body and it feels right. im sorry it was a shock for you but that whole event was blown out of proportion.. you grew up at a time as well. granted it was embarrassing as hell for both of us and a shock to you. but face it there are a ton of a lot worse things you couldve caught me doing... not saying ive done nearly half of that insanely large list of could be's.. probably not even 5 of those ive done haha.. I really am growing up at the right speed. I may talk to older people and may come off older to them and sometimes even to myself but im not stupid and im not gonna go out and do stupid things like get pissed faced drunk and go out do drugs cus i can and screw the man. you raised me better than that.. that whole event could have been handled in a calmer fashion where i explained myself and my strong feelings. it wasnt some big creepy scene u walked in on haha it was actually quite simple.

there were so many sweet times and now that i have had time to think about them all. i seriously shed a tear.. and i believe truly in my heart and soul i love him. I remember the day we first kissed... i was crying and he was working on his car wearing a black tank top. if he was sweating i couldnt tell because he looked amazing and he was warm and caring and he lifted my head and we kissed. it was great and we hugged and he kissed me and i kissed him back. I remember the first time holding hands at school.. which seems so silly now because its just highschool. At the time it felt like a world to me... and i remember all my friends asking me if we were together and theyd ask him? and id laugh because just thinking about him reminded me how happy i was when with him. and id reply yes with a big smile. I remember talking about him to my best friend and confiding in the way i felt and it could possibly be that feeling i thought id never feel, especially in high school.. and ME of all people really... but yes it was me. I remember meeting his family and how welcome i felt right away and i ordered those spicy chicken fingers n they were REALLY spicy but i wanted to try it cus Jeff(his step dad) liked spicy things. And chris got the same.. haha we both didnt care for spicy that much... i shouldve stayed safe but i couldnt help it! OH gosh and all the family stories your mom had told me! my favorite was when you were standing out side the window with the neighbors cat saying in a real southern accent "Mama, Mama get the crate!" gawd i laughed soo hard at that one! i remember how i pushed you to ask me to stupid prom and finally you did by writing on my car! :) i thought it was perfect and classic! I remember sitting in your car or my car before we had to go to school talking or listening to music or joking! or you sleeping on my shoulder ahaha i loved looking into your eyes in the morning.,. i loved those brown eyes! like little puppy dog eyes.. I remember driving with you and the first time you took me out in your car and my dad had told me "if he races ill kill him" aahahaha i loved how you had never gone to midnight mayhem till i took you. I remember how when i was with nate you took me to the chevy carshow where Mr.Mattie was racing and i got to sit in his car and you took pictures of me! you were the best friend at that time and gawd we both wanted so much more but you and i would never think of cheating and it was out of the question. I remember way before we got together and before nate you made me pancakes before i ran :) and i had thought it was a friendly gesture and at first i was like maybe he likes me back but then nothing happened and i was like well maybe we are just friends then.. haha and thats why i decided to date nate.. I love how for two years we would talk at trentons table and banter and flirt and you supposedly were having my kids cus you bought me ice cream! and you two were soo immature and i loved sitting with you guys most out of all the rounds i had to make during lunch sitting with you was the one that made my day great! and seeing you with cherise during those times just made me sad cus you didnt look happy.. n id always wonder how itd be to have u kissing me in the hallways and walking me to my classes instead of her. I never had dreamed we would be! and when you told me that you liked me the day we met. that made me insanely happy! it still does... i loved all the times we had together! and showing the world that were together! and i loved you so much it didnt matter what my parents thought because what we had was wonderful! and undescribable! im still struggling to find the words... nothing but love comes up..

the first time we broke up was the worst... i cried n cried n cried..it was on graduation and the day after my 18th birthday.. i dont know if you had ever put those together... but it was after the two biggest days of my life.. i couldnt even celebrate think or breathe.. i just remember coming home and stuart looking at me and instantly knowing. he walked over to me and i just sat there and we talked about graduation and then i stopped and starred at the ground and said chris n i broke up.. and i cried so much and he held me and i just remember crying in my room that whole night..

the second time hurt just as bad i couldn't breathe and it all felt like a blur... and i didnt know if i made a mistake or if this was final or what! i was so lost and i couldnt even work.. i had to takke a mental day and i even made myself physically sick over it... thats when i started getting massages...

the third time hurt but we got back together quickly.. so the hurt didnt last long

and the final time... it feels right. its so hard to say but i needed to know if it would work. and it didnt i lvoe you so much and you taught me so much about myself and about different things i wouldnt know if i hadnt met you and fallen in love with you

youll always carry a piece of my heart and i remember and cherish all the great times just as much as the bad which i wont go into now because i already dwelled on it all and i love you so much the good with the bad and im so glad to have this experience and i wish you all the happiness in the world and i always hope to be apart of your life...

~~

There's a whole lot of singing that's never gonna be heard
Disappearing everyday without so much as a word somehow
Think I broke the wings off that little song bird
She's never gonna fly to the top of the world right now
Top of the world

i want to be someone great when i grow up.. i want to inspire and volunteer and help out in the world. i want to be known for something.. to leave my mark. To do something good for someone in need. I want to love and be loved. I want to show the world all that i can do and have it teach me the new possibilities. i want to learn the hard way and the easy way. i want to know all of my limits. i want to learn more. i want to discover hidden meanings, human nature and why we do the things we do. i want to learn about the physics in life i want to be everywhere yet nowhere to be found! i want to travel i want to be a mother one day and i want to be loved and feel love deeply. i want to know what it feels like when you have fallen but are still happy with where you are. i want to feel that i will always have someone there to help me pick up those shattered pieces. i want to collect hidden treasures and show them to the world. i want my art to speak to people... at least to someone. i want to portray a wave of emotion in my pieces. i want to be....

well i want to be me.

why do we pretend to be sleeping when someone comes in in the morning to whisper goodbye.... maybe they needed us to wake up and smile. maybe its silly to think so deeply into that

why is it so easy to hate and betray and destroy but sooo difficult to love renew and rejoice?

have you ever just seen someone on the street and connected with them? male female whatever... not physically or in some sexual desire kind of way but just really connected. and then you just continue walking without a word just a smile or a nod and then you both know inside that dang... that was a really great moment. ill remember it hopefully they will too...

i remember this one moment in washington. i was visiting my grandparents and bored inthe back seat of their car... a little bit homesick too.. so i was people watching out the window and i was purposely looking sad.until this man turns to look at me. n i was like "huh thats kinda cool" then our cars meet up again and he smiles really big. Gorgeous white pearly teeth and a warm smile. He is in my memories and he might not even know it. but that man made my day... and made a wonderful memory that i cherish. it gives my hope that people can still be good and create little moments like that :) its beautiful

So ive been thinking... why dont americans ask questions? why dont we rise up? why dont we think for ourselves?

why are we so quick to easily believe in something instead of looking up the facts? im not saying that i dont do this

myself. cus honestly i do. but i just wonder everyonce in awhile about it.. i mean .. have i really been raised that way

so much that i just dont question as much. i couldnt honestly tell you... but im not really complaining its just crazy. i

mean i can easily alter this all around. but i get lazy.. i shouldnt im still so very young! i need to thrive and look for the

best not just settle for the lies and fabrications people tell me. I adore coachie because she looks up all the facts

before she bases her opinion on it! i aspire to be like her in that way!

i also want to help! i want to go abroad and volunteer! do some more good! i want to help hands on but i have no

idea how to do it nor how to get started! if you know please tell me! <3

Prom...

was simply amazing! i really dont know what to say... but now im thinking about college and after highschool life... but back to the prom subject. Our dinner place changed to Mac GRILL yummy.. i ate bunches and i should go running soon haha but oh wells, we hit up the bus again then the dance and the guys bumped the music up all the way so everyone would know we were there! hahahhaha we danced and danced and danced... haha oh and then the crowning took place and Ms.Donna Evans won with the lovely Melchor! haha and i danced with nestor and then found my wonderful date and danced danced danced. we went to the end of the dance and then we got on the bus drove the long way home and got it for another hour and danced!! haha the guys bought glowsticks and that was amazingly fun! haha! we then got dropped off at arty's and hung out for a bit took pix talked. A couple of us decided to go to TGI Fridays but on the way there we realized it would probably be closed and instead hit up Roberto's. After we went our separate ways and went to Elaina's for a chill kickback. by then my curfew got extended to 2 :) and yea... thats the night.

Senior Year a Blur

i cannot believe how fast this year has gone! im soo extatic that graduation is just around the corner! i cannot wait! this past month has been blissful! i have an amazing boyfriend and job and senior year ever! it rocks. i keep forgetting that i got best personality and now im prom court! dude i remember talking to bryce around homecoming and that my goal was at least homecoming court and prom was too scary to attempt cus i didnt want drama and girls but dude this is pretty chill! im excited and im just happy to get court! id be happy too to get the crown but im totally happy with this!! :) ehehehe the tiara was small tho! ahahaha or maybe my head is just big! ;) either way ahaha it doesnt fit :) hehhee i cannot wait to senior assembly >> MY GOAL is to write a memorable memory in everyone's yearbook! hopefully im on my AGAME that day! :) i love that im hanging out with the girls now more! haha silly how i just started but at least its more than i have :)

RANDOM QUESTION BLOCK

can i tell you something? i mean really tell you something? my thoughts,dreams,and my ideas? would you listen to them.. when you listen to them would you really care? how many people really care? how do you know you really care? can you feel it? is it menatl or physical when you feel it? is everything linked together? do you need religion... and what is it? did someone just make it up one day? how do you find truth? why dont i watch more of the history or discovry channel? why does the news depress me? can i be depressed? can i act? can i start over completly new? can i be anything i want to be? can a song really make you move? can time really go slower? can i control it? MAY I PLEASE GET AN ANSWER? hello?

k now that i got that out... today was long and is still going. i have to clean the house for the mark's party tomorrow night. i just want to say a short little blurb about being stressed and needing sleep!

i dont know why i do these things... of waht benefit are they to me? do they really make me feel better about helping someone out? or is it just going ot tire me and screw me over in the end? idk i mant to be everywhere yet i want to never be found and get lost driving somewhere! i need a break! i need a real break. like a road trip or a sneak preview of life after HS! im soo done. what the point anymore? i dont understand... but whatever ill finish off these last days and be done with it! with it all! everything will be done with! i can sleep and hang out and work. and figure out what i want to do with my life. eh who am i kidding i will never be doing absolutely nothing! but i can dream cant i?

haha im not making much sense.. oh well. OH today at the pool i met a guy named trenton who i found out was a great artist and we got to talking and i showed him the few pieces on my phone that i had and he really liked it! its exciting! someone so talented actually likes my piece! i cant believe that! maybe he was lying but i dont care! its the feeling that gave me! i was so unsure and now im jsut a tad bit more confident! im gonna finish my latest piece finally and digitally store all my pieces! :) ill post them to facebook soon and update my deviant art page! :)

oh and babe im sorry and i hope you understand that im busy and i would love to be spending time with you more i just have a lot to do and its really just a balancing act. im doing the best i can and i hope you understand that! :)

i absolutely love the time i spend with him! just wanted to say that right out!!

anywho on another note! yesterday was bizarre!

• school
• sub in first class~COACHIE!! yay
• pistacio salad~DELISH
• 2nd class
• bellcurve
• walk out towards my car with cammie
• realize my forgotten blankie
• run back in and get blankie
• go back to car
• drive home and grab flipflops
• breakfast essentials
• cammie and i head over to the bank
• Sinclair... Sin something 11 haha gas station
• call BF cus car's making funny noises
• go to autozone
• get papertowels
• BF comes with marcos
• Declare its fine
• hop on freeway
• go downtown to PALLAZO SHOPS
• Annie Creamcheese
• Gorgeous store... pricey tho
• window shop with cammie
• find BCBG
• fall in love
• 30% off
• get an almost 500 $$ Dress for cheaper
• Happy Dance
• realize i dont have enough on me
• ATM>>not enough in bank
• call mom(whos on her way back to Las vegas from seattle)
• too far....
• they wont hold dress longer than hour
• thinking caps on
• mom uses her credit card
• all fixed
• i have to pay her back
• no problem
• Restart happy dance
• realize that i look like a tart in sweat pants and my "party till you puke" shirt while browsing fancy stores
• happy that i didnt get asked about that haha
• cammie and i try to find parking garage
• SUCCEED
• find painted car
• exit
• hop on 15
• then 95
• stop by JW to drop off Eric's pants
• find that the pool was closed
• worry bout my car and paint washing off
• it doesnt haha
• drive cammie home for her nap
• worried about the sounds my car is making
• go to school
• AUTOSHOP
• Chris takes a ride with me
• i check out the firebird Marcos has
• chris says its my breaks
• debate about when ill take care of it
• he worries
• tells me hell check it out with marcos at his casa
• meet them there
• they take my wheel off
• tighten the wheel find my break pads are almost dead
• mystery solved!
• take Keesha(chris's dog) for a walk
• go pick up cammie
• USWIRL
• lucas is sick and bails
• no biggie
• we jet
• i go home and sleep
• wait for madre to come home
• she does
• night night

HAHA very interesting days!

Be Kind Rewind

today at the pool i got to thinking again... i mean there were a ton of children at the pool and they were all playing and would play with others even if they didnt know them. Somehow they all know what they are playing! its unspoken but theyre all on the same page yet in different worlds. its so foreign now... has it really been that long. has my imagination really drifted so far and is it beyond reach?? So i thought good and hard about life and how we allow such changes even when we think "oh ill never grow old" but sadly it happens. Its sad because i miss how simple life was, when i would worry about what clothes my barbie doll was wearing and if i was going to play with the neighbors kids that day. Dont get me wrong im glad to be growing up but dont we all have that little longing to go back to playing house instead of "living" house. So many responsibilities come so very fast. And high school is mainly a joke considering it doesnt really fully prepare you for life after. I have to do that myself. Self teach my self the ways of life. And it comes usually with a big slap...

The other night i re-realized how oblivious i can be with people. and how i cant tell when adult's are telling the truth. How practiced you all have become in lies and deception... years after years of practice. You might not think its practice or that you are even good at it but white lies... darling they are still lies. Im not sure its my human instincts that make me want to be blissful ignorant of these details again or if its just my youth. Probably a combination. I want to research this. ill get to that... eventually.

Elena posted this on Facebook today and i thought it was perfect for my thoughts today::

"I'M RESIGNING, I'M HEREBY OfFICIALLY TENDERING MY RESIGNATION AS A TEENAGER! I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an eight-year-old again! I want to go down to McDonalds and think it’s a five-star restaurant. I want to think that M and M's are better than money because you can eat them. I want to eat a whole packet of Tim tams without feeling guilty afterwards. I want to return to when all you knew were colors, multiplication, tables and nursery rhymes. I want to return to when you didn't know and you didn't care. I want to remember the whole morning was filled of what your Mom had packed for lunch and the whole afternoon what you were having for dinner. When a simple matchbox car or a Barbie doll represented a whole week's worth of entertainment. When you actually had an imagination. When magic really existed. When 'Jaws' didn't look fake. I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good would always triumph over evil. When a member of the of the opposite sex was just some annoying disturbance. When friends were real and you didn't care if they were black, white, Catholic, Asian, African, Muslim, fat, skinny, pink, green or from a whole other planet, it just didn't matter... until others told you differently! I want to believe that anything is possible all you have to do is Dream. I want it to be unknown to me the complexities of life and to be completely ecstatic by the little things again like the sound of the Mr. Whippy Van! I DON'T want to know of school, homework, clothes, friendship, relationships,popularity or even gossip! I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams and human kind. I want to believe that all adults must know everything (How wrong we were). So here's my money, keycards, my makeup, and my adolescence."

love lala love

k so i adore cars! and racing and the motorspeedway is my home! haha

mattie let me sit in his car and i was so tempted to go drive it but i didnt have enough money to pay 6.50 per gallon of fuel that i ate up! soooo that did not happen! haha But i got to choose his time for the drag at the Super Chevy show and i choose 10.78.. i think.. haha anyways i had to go to work so i couldnt stay for the race and told him to tell me how it goes later. I get to class and he told me he got an 11.07!! that car can get as low as 10.60! But turns out he blew out his engine but damn! if he can still run an 11! that car is amazing!! hes pretty BA on the track! hahaha new favorite Teacher award>>>>> MATTIE!

btw his car is black not orange!!

oh i need chris to give me those photos!! SO I HAVE PROOF I WAS IN MATTIES CAR! k jsut texted him and hes gonna do it! lol well im still waiting for his response but he should! :)

ugh i just had a flash back to a really embarrassing moment when i first got my job as a lifeguard! it was a wednesday so a ton of guys were applying at the JW. and the laundry room and seamstress guy is there too!! and i only had one suit for guarding and well if youve ever guarded.. one is not enough! Ernestine said that they wouldnt buy one and ended up having me in a size 40 instead of the 34 i am... all the swimmers out there know how that is!way too big! so i get dressed again and go back to the laundry room and tell them im sorry it doesnt fit. She tells me to pop it back on and come back with it on they are going to make it fit me!

thought proccess:

1. thats really embarrassing to be in front of some old dude in my lifeguarding suit way too big for me and still be wearing my bra and underwear under the suit!!
2. im also in front of my boss and the boss from canada
3. why oh why didnt i wear cute underwear today!
4. "k so i can do this... regain posture and go out accross the hall and get it over with!!"
5. lets do this!
6. *start to walk out of restroom* oh crap that door is a lot farther than i thought!!
7. >>next thing i notice all the guys on the wall waiting for their interviews turn all in unison and look at me as i walk to that door! <<<<
8. FML

GAWD! i have never witnessed something like that! its like something right out of a movie that doesnt happen in real life! All the guys just turned! EWWWW!! i still get chills and the creeps! dirty men! good thing ill never have to do that again... oh needless to say the suits hems are coming out! so mission failed!! and now im just gonna buy my own for 13 bucks at this awesome site erik(one of my awesome co-workers) gave me!

OHHHH!! Also i was checking in people at the towel hut and this lady with really cute rings on came up and just wanted her towels. as shes sign's in im like "DUDE SUPER CUTE RINGS!!" then she tells me she makes them and it makes her really happy to hear that! WELL FREE ADVERTISMENT HUN! CUS I ADORE YOUR CREATIONS!!

http://urthelements.com/

anywho! i guess i shall go! i could go on forever but i have things to do work to go to and people to see! ciao! and if you want to hear about anything give me a topic and ill do my best to write about it! :) haha

LA DI DA!

I LOVE RYLEA!! SHEIS THE CUTEST GIRL EVER!! WIFEY YOU ROCK!! haha oh and eryn nelson might make me a tyed dyed shirt today1 YAY! FIRST ONE!!

HELLO!! hahaha yay! im soo happy about blogging! lets see this week was Defend your Gender week! BRING IT BOYS! ahaha

monday: bowtie vs hair bows

tuesday: lumber jack vs lumber jill

wednesday: buisness gear

thursday: blue vs PINK

friday: is there anything?? lmao SPIRIT DAY!

i have had soo much fun with spirit weeks this year! and the assembly is gonna kick butt tomo! CHECK IT SOPHOMORES!! ahahahaha :) yay yay yay!

oh SHOUT OUT TO caitlin cus i really liked her post today on facebook....

"what color would you paint the sky? personally, i would make it my own huge mood ring, depending on how im feeling that day, or even how i feel throughout the day. just and ever changing picture."

Soooooooooo... got my first speeding ticket the other day!! haha oh crap! its a lot to pay! i cant believe i have to pay that.. i have two jobs and im in highschool and gawd i have to pay 300 for a ticket. Def makes me not ever want to take that chance again! LESSON LEARNED haha heres the funny comments my friends and family left me! :)

Remove

Elizabeth Hanson soooo..i just got my first and LAST speeding ticket.

Yesterday at 7:49pm · Comment ·

Tracy Schultz

OOOOHHHH Gurl.. You in trouble!

Yesterday at 7:50pm ·

Elizabeth Hanson

tracy im sorrry!!!!

Yesterday at 7:51pm ·

Stuart Calef

I've never had one of those. How was it?

Yesterday at 7:51pm ·

Kendall Allen

ha man I still have not picked up a speeding ticket:)

Yesterday at 7:51pm ·

Tracy Schultz

We will talk about this next time you are here Missy! ;-)

Yesterday at 8:00pm ·

Ivan Quihui Flroes

jajaj how fast where you going and where

Yesterday at 8:10pm ·

Benjamin Gibson

Come on, join the anti-metro club!

Yesterday at 8:11pm ·

Cammie Hall

Glad I was not in the car with you! Did you bawl your eyes out?

Yesterday at 8:30pm ·

Nathaniel Adam Owen Waggoner

did you get it on durrel? my mah just got pulled over there too. Oh and by the way...i'm in that hating metro club too.

Yesterday at 8:34pm ·

Adriana Osorto

Baha, dear god good thing it wasn't because of all those u-turns you made last time we hanged out hehe!

Yesterday at 9:01pm ·

Cristine Calef Fraas

can u say traffic school?

Yesterday at 9:03pm ·

Deanna Calef

That traffic cop was sure a high maintenance guardian angel

7 hours ago ·

Elizabeth Hanson

oh gosh i love these comments! hahah
yea i bawled only at the end tho !! the funny part is that i took off my seat belt and was about go get out of the car but quickley regained my thoughts and was like WTH am i doing! ill get shot! haha

its 300$$ and i was going 50

7 minutes ago ·

Elizabeth Hanson

btw im blogging these comments!

7 minutes ago ·